BOOK OF RELATIONSHIPS CHAPTER 1 VERSE 1
People of the Normal,
As we go through our journey, my dear normal people, I will share more about my boring but very intriguing self but first I will like to rant about engagement rings. Thoughts like these are one of the reasons I consider myself useless to women ... especially of the normal ... but it doesn't have to be that way.
Yes sexually mature males, there is a cover charge to your own engagment. Not only is there a cover charge you are the DJ, the bouncer and the MC and you better put on a good show. About that cover...
As first reported on "Au Contraire, Mon Fraire!" it is customary for adult males to... how do the kids say it?... pop the question. Women are actually physically unable to do that **Pressing earpiece to ear now** I am being told that is not true. Sorry. Now you might think, "I'm taking on the risk of asking the question that should be enough. I shouldn't need anything else like a fruit basket or even a ring. Well, if I should need something it shouldn't cost more than $15, would it?" No not all you, but just bring the deed to the house just in case its a little over.
But why does it have to be that way? Why spend a mulitple of my monthly earnings on an engagement ring when it doesn't appreciate in value like my high growth mutual fund or pay quarterly dividend like a no growth conglomerate or at the very least turn into fresh baked biscuits when baked for 12 minutes at 375 deg? Why? Who made these rules and why am I subject to those rules in my own private relationship? Is there something in it for anyone besides jewlers?
Thats a lot of question, my men of the normal. Here's what I will do. I will survey ladies of the normal for their thoughts and follow with disparaging rebuttals. I hope I don't reveal the outcome when I say please continue to redirect your 401(k) contributions to the ring fund.
But first my heavily biased commentary on the matter....
For all the reasonable people of the normal out there please take out a calculator and mulitply your monthly salary by 3 .. heck even try 2 or 1 or 0.5. Now how many times have you spent that much money on something that didn't come with a roof and lead paint waivers? OK you get my drift. The concept of engagement rings is just one of those situations where an entire society has created a culture that each of the participants ( or at least half) in said society when individually questioned will in turn question that culture. Lets ignore the financial irresponsibility of it all and the thousands of genocides that blood diamonds have contributed to for a second but lets look at how it reflects on women. As a woman doesn't it make you feel like another discretional spending item.
Speaking of selling out ... lets work the poles... i mean polls.
Here are the popular responses to the query regarding the logic behind expensive engagment rings.
REASON 1
What will people say if I don't have an engagment ring?
DISPARAGING REBUTTAL
"HAHAHA!! You mean you didn't wipe out your savings and jeopardize your financial future in order to buy a piece of over priced bling bling?" That? And who are these people, Ja Rule? Playa please!
REASON 2
Because its a symbol of what I mean to him. A symbol of our love. It shows how much he cares.
DISPARAGING REBUTTAL
Really? You're telling me that the fact that your partner is willing to give up on the chances of ever scoring with the scores of chics you catch him starring at at the mall is not enough to show you he cares? Are you aware Nature's mandate and pretty much every hormone in his body is against your future holy union. People that say blood is stronger than water haven't been introduced to hormones yet and quite frankly need to make time for lunch with Nature. But somehow an expensive ring proves to you he's serious. Are YOU serious?
REASON 3
Well, everyone else does it so he has to ... as a man.
DISPARAGING REBUTTAL
That reason works for things that occur in the public arena where more than 2 people are involved. For example, you can't strike a deal with the manager of a high class restaurant to allow you in in a bathing suit... people are trying to eat, unless you're Jessica Alba in which case its probably the set of "Into the Blue" so thats fine. As the spender if he doesn't think spending 3x salary on a ring is a good idea then why can't a man NOT do it? If women think its a good idea, I'm not exactly sure why they can't purchase one for themselves. May be even 2 to keep up with the Everyone-ses. And if our society is so distraught at the decision not to "wring" out your savings on bling then please offer the following Jim Nance-ian press release "Hello Friends! Mary and I have decided to exchange engagement arts and crafts projects instead of diamond rings. Mary got a quilt and I got the wrong half of a peace sign. I hope you find it in you to excuse our common sense. Thanks".
REASON 4
Because its from my husband-to-be so that makes it really special.
DISPARAGING REBUTTAL
Is it because its something from him or because it was, in advertising terms, brought to you by him? Alright here's a proposal ... no not that proposal. Homeboy will invest his valuable time and energy travelling to Zales to pick out a ring. On the way he will deal with pushy sales people and the disgrace of looking like another drone that caved under pressure to spend 3x salary in jewerly. Only difference is you paid for the piece of jewerly (but he did everything else). You wouldn't even feel a thing... as long as you avoid that priceless December Mastercard bill that is. Would that be okay? No?
I sound like a hater... please don't get me wrong. I really only truly barely hate The Fitness Made Simple Guy and not much else. Women are great... in future blogs I will tell you how great I think they are but they can be irrational. My simple point is this: Why is the whole enslaved by the irrationalilty of half. Take a stand, don't be a drone. When you propose to your man or woman tune down the TV and really take time to tell your partner how much you love them and how spending the rest of your lives together is the only way your's can go on (because really there's a writer's strike in progress). You don't need diamond a ring for that. In all seriousness, try a well crafted engagement peom. Its from the heart, it shows how much you're loved, its special... granted everyone's not doing it.
Until next time normals... don't lose your wallet.
People of the Normal,
As we go through our journey, my dear normal people, I will share more about my boring but very intriguing self but first I will like to rant about engagement rings. Thoughts like these are one of the reasons I consider myself useless to women ... especially of the normal ... but it doesn't have to be that way.
Yes sexually mature males, there is a cover charge to your own engagment. Not only is there a cover charge you are the DJ, the bouncer and the MC and you better put on a good show. About that cover...
As first reported on "Au Contraire, Mon Fraire!" it is customary for adult males to... how do the kids say it?... pop the question. Women are actually physically unable to do that **Pressing earpiece to ear now** I am being told that is not true. Sorry. Now you might think, "I'm taking on the risk of asking the question that should be enough. I shouldn't need anything else like a fruit basket or even a ring. Well, if I should need something it shouldn't cost more than $15, would it?" No not all you, but just bring the deed to the house just in case its a little over.
But why does it have to be that way? Why spend a mulitple of my monthly earnings on an engagement ring when it doesn't appreciate in value like my high growth mutual fund or pay quarterly dividend like a no growth conglomerate or at the very least turn into fresh baked biscuits when baked for 12 minutes at 375 deg? Why? Who made these rules and why am I subject to those rules in my own private relationship? Is there something in it for anyone besides jewlers?
Thats a lot of question, my men of the normal. Here's what I will do. I will survey ladies of the normal for their thoughts and follow with disparaging rebuttals. I hope I don't reveal the outcome when I say please continue to redirect your 401(k) contributions to the ring fund.
But first my heavily biased commentary on the matter....
For all the reasonable people of the normal out there please take out a calculator and mulitply your monthly salary by 3 .. heck even try 2 or 1 or 0.5. Now how many times have you spent that much money on something that didn't come with a roof and lead paint waivers? OK you get my drift. The concept of engagement rings is just one of those situations where an entire society has created a culture that each of the participants ( or at least half) in said society when individually questioned will in turn question that culture. Lets ignore the financial irresponsibility of it all and the thousands of genocides that blood diamonds have contributed to for a second but lets look at how it reflects on women. As a woman doesn't it make you feel like another discretional spending item.
First on CNBC... The University of Michigan consumer confidence report is down 50 basis points year over year, their lowest levels in 20 months. Experts forecast a deflationary effect on the price of cosumer discretionaries such as electronics, luxury retail and of course women
Speaking of selling out ... lets work the poles... i mean polls.
Here are the popular responses to the query regarding the logic behind expensive engagment rings.
REASON 1
What will people say if I don't have an engagment ring?
DISPARAGING REBUTTAL
"HAHAHA!! You mean you didn't wipe out your savings and jeopardize your financial future in order to buy a piece of over priced bling bling?" That? And who are these people, Ja Rule? Playa please!
REASON 2
Because its a symbol of what I mean to him. A symbol of our love. It shows how much he cares.
DISPARAGING REBUTTAL
Really? You're telling me that the fact that your partner is willing to give up on the chances of ever scoring with the scores of chics you catch him starring at at the mall is not enough to show you he cares? Are you aware Nature's mandate and pretty much every hormone in his body is against your future holy union. People that say blood is stronger than water haven't been introduced to hormones yet and quite frankly need to make time for lunch with Nature. But somehow an expensive ring proves to you he's serious. Are YOU serious?
REASON 3
Well, everyone else does it so he has to ... as a man.
DISPARAGING REBUTTAL
That reason works for things that occur in the public arena where more than 2 people are involved. For example, you can't strike a deal with the manager of a high class restaurant to allow you in in a bathing suit... people are trying to eat, unless you're Jessica Alba in which case its probably the set of "Into the Blue" so thats fine. As the spender if he doesn't think spending 3x salary on a ring is a good idea then why can't a man NOT do it? If women think its a good idea, I'm not exactly sure why they can't purchase one for themselves. May be even 2 to keep up with the Everyone-ses. And if our society is so distraught at the decision not to "wring" out your savings on bling then please offer the following Jim Nance-ian press release "Hello Friends! Mary and I have decided to exchange engagement arts and crafts projects instead of diamond rings. Mary got a quilt and I got the wrong half of a peace sign. I hope you find it in you to excuse our common sense. Thanks".
REASON 4
Because its from my husband-to-be so that makes it really special.
DISPARAGING REBUTTAL
Is it because its something from him or because it was, in advertising terms, brought to you by him? Alright here's a proposal ... no not that proposal. Homeboy will invest his valuable time and energy travelling to Zales to pick out a ring. On the way he will deal with pushy sales people and the disgrace of looking like another drone that caved under pressure to spend 3x salary in jewerly. Only difference is you paid for the piece of jewerly (but he did everything else). You wouldn't even feel a thing... as long as you avoid that priceless December Mastercard bill that is. Would that be okay? No?
I sound like a hater... please don't get me wrong. I really only truly barely hate The Fitness Made Simple Guy and not much else. Women are great... in future blogs I will tell you how great I think they are but they can be irrational. My simple point is this: Why is the whole enslaved by the irrationalilty of half. Take a stand, don't be a drone. When you propose to your man or woman tune down the TV and really take time to tell your partner how much you love them and how spending the rest of your lives together is the only way your's can go on (because really there's a writer's strike in progress). You don't need diamond a ring for that. In all seriousness, try a well crafted engagement peom. Its from the heart, it shows how much you're loved, its special... granted everyone's not doing it.
Until next time normals... don't lose your wallet.
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