February 14th, The Free Man's Thanksgiving

I have recently observed an up tick in jewelry commercials as well as the Vermont teddy bear shadow blocking the collective sense of self of MANkind. This not only indicates that there are about 7 million more weeks of FEMALEkind entrapment ahead but also we must be closing in on Thanksgiving ... The Free Man Thanksgiving: A celebration of the emancipated male!

Who is an emancipated male? Well, it is any male who remains true to himself in the face of the female propaganda and coercion. It does NOT refer to the single guy or to the inability to compromise or even to a woman-hater or gay. No, it’s just a man who knows who he is and is comfortable with his view of the world as different from the female perspective.

This means that if you don't think expensive roses or engagement rings are sensible then the fact that someone else does doesn't make you change your beliefs. It doesn't mean you don't buy them if you want to (hence, compromise) but you never buy into the fact that a thorny red plant or the fossilized version of it is somehow a declaration of undying love.

Females understand this concept. They may aid and abate your illogical infatuation with say... sports ... but they will not however, change their core belief that you have to be an idiot to allow the success/failure of the Redsox dictate your life. But most importantly they only aid and abate your infatuation if and only if they chose to AND on their own time and schedule... after all, its YOUR infatuation, chief!

The fact is that most men who are able to remain true to who they are in the face of female propaganda and coercion are single because there are too many sellouts amongst us that the predators will choose to feed on the abundance of easy prey. These under-evolved idiots have traded their principles for pleasure, they have been water boarded into submission because they are weak at heart and their brains have re-located to the crotch area. Today the few, the proud, (the marines?) can celebrate.

So rejoice free men! Its February 14th, a day we can't help but be thankful. Wake up in the morning and let the air of freedom fill your lungs because you know what?

• You don't owe anyone a call, and/or corny flowers, and/or dopey chocolate and/or a really elaborate candle lit dinner.
• You don't have to think of ways to outdo last year's performance
• ... or just simply come up with something different to write on this year's card
• There are no "why do you love me?" questions to answer
• There are no "here's why I love you" poems to write
• And no one is saying to you ... "read it again but this time looking into my eyes".
• You can leave your pretence kit at home because you don't get it and this time, that’s okay too.
  

Today is also a great day to reflect back on your days as an indentured servant. It’s Feb 7th and last year's plan to write a love message on your roof top is still rigged with logistical issues. You're pacing back and forth like a criminal on death row wishing whoever invented Feb 14th would be beheaded by Emperor Claudius II of Rome (yep the saint was rightly beheaded). The last thing you need is another day dedicated to pleasing her. Isn't Monday ... and Tuesday.... and Wednesday ... and Thursday ... and Friday ... and Saturday ... and Sunday enough? You're wondering what day do I get to wreak havoc when I am not swept off my feet with the NFL package all paid for or just simply a day off from serving at her pleasure?

Wake up! and rejoice those days are over. You are not the property of anyone and for that you should be thankful.

So how do we celebrate The Free Men Thanksgiving? ... well if there were rules for celebration then that defeats the entire "free" thing. Free Men Thanksgiving is a celebration of freedom and this includes your freedom to celebrate or not celebrate your freedom anyway you want. So without being too instructive, how about hanging with the boys late into the night on a whim, call your ex-master and break the news to her that she really whines too much, call your other ex-master and tell her her supposedly sexy boots actually looks like a weapon from the middle ages. When you're done, call your mom and tell her she's the best just to even things out.

I will insist that you observe a moment of silence for our brethrens in captivity that know not the joys of free will. As Obi 6'4 230lbs The Voice in the Wilderness, I speak not only for the emancipated few but also the many idiots in captivity. Although if they are lucky they are enjoying certain benefits that are not afforded the emancipated (at least not on a regular basis) but there is very little doubt as to who is really getting the shaft.

Thomas Jefferson once said "I have no fear that the result of our experiment will be that men may be trusted to govern themselves without a master" ... well, that’s right ... he never said anything about a mistress, wife or girlfriend.

Until next time captives ... Be a man! Declare your independence.

Happy Free Men Thanksgiving!

Commercial Appeal

There were 4 NFL playoff games this weekend, I watched all 4, that means I also endured a deluge of 30 second spots engineered by corporations looking to get in my pants ... that’s where I keep my wallet. About 25% of the NFL broadcast was commercial time.

Fortunately I am one of those who love watching commercials. They tell you so much about current society, and how we can be persuaded. It tells you how smart or desperate or rich or poor you look to folks with stuff to sell. But most importantly, I like commercials because it shows the way to America's pockets, a location I intend to do a lot of business in. But before we discuss the commercial activity, my ode to the 2007 Dallas Cowboys National League Football team.

The Tuna walked because Romo couldn't hold
Enter Philips who isn't quite as bold
... but just as old
After 13-3 I thought we had the mold
Darn! again I was left out in the cold

As Cowboy nation mourn and contemplate
What have we done to deserve, again, such a fate
In the background the haters pontificate
Romo on a Cabo date
Coordinators with interview dates

The agony of defeat flowed from Corpus Christi to Waco
Then from the eyes to the quivering lips of T.O
He pleads not to blame it on Mexico
Look on the bright side we did shutdown Plaxico

Now here's the reason for the witty title. The Commercials ...

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- When you turn your car on, does it return the favor? Mine doesn't sometimes it doesn't even turn itself on. Cadillac has been hitting the campaign trail pretty hard during the NFL playoffs hoping to turn women on to their luxury CTS sedan while plainly turning men on with a very still-getting-it-done-into-her-40s Kate Walsh in red a CTS. I'm seriously over hauling both of my MILF polls after discovering a sleeper like Kelly Tilghman last week and then Kate Walsh shows up with such a stellar RPI. This spot should move product. It presents the CTS as a capable luxury sedan with all the nice features but as Ms. Walsh suggests its really all about sex appeal or *Cue French accent please* ... uhh ... how do you say? .... a certain je ne sais quoi.

- The Southwest PED commercials are absolutely brilliant. Here's how one goes, Nick is shown conducting a press conference at this desk.

Reporter: Nick, that was the tenth straight killer presentation and an amazing string of new business wins. How do you explain this sudden increase in productivity?
Nick: Uh, I've just been working really hard.
Reporter: People are saying this surge in productivity just isn't natural.
Nick: Hey, you know, a guy has a great year, breaks a few sales records, you guys just assume the worst.
Reporter: You have been uncannily productive, Nick.
Reporter: Nick, some are speculating that you're using productivity enhancers.
Nick: That's it, I'm done.

Ok not much to do with Southwest or flying but I thought the spot was very well done with just the right amount of sports clichés, very little, although the entire concept is a sports cliché (sadly). Also excellent timing being first to the performance enhancer pun. We could say the folks at Pfizer (Viagra) and Eli Lily (Cialis) were too stiff to steal the pun first but we wouldn't because this blog is huge with the kids.

- Sony Bravia wants us to watch football the same way camera men do. Hmm... the same camera men that have their eyes 2 inches from a tiny viewer. No thank you! Sony Bravia is also responsible for one of the best ads you don't know about.

- The nerds loved this cross promotion between Toyota and War of the Warcraft. I'm not one but I did love the ad. Brilliant idea to package two non competing products symboitically into one commercial. "Did you see me lay down the law? I am the law givaaa!"

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- Continuing with Toyota ... there is a Tacoma commercial where a truck drives off an asteriod into space. The commercial doesn't come with the usual "Closed Course. Professional driver" disclaimer. Great! I found a loop hole now I just need to figure out how to launch a Tacoma into outer space. I wonder if the US civil suit system extend around the universe much like an NLF goal line.

- The new Acadia pushed during the games look just like every other truck with "GMC" on the grill. I guess I am saying all the GMCs look alike. My best friends are GMC trucks so back off.

- I thought Eli and Peyton were good in the "This is SportsCenter" commercial but the Oreo commercials weren't really that funny. I saw two versions: First, Eli and Peyton appear in a news conference to announce their entrance into a new sport and you are urged to go dsrl.com to find out what sport. If the suspense was killing me then I must have opted for death. Just wasn't that compelling. Well they figured this out at Oreo HQ and hours later they revealed what sport it was. I still can't tell you what the new sport is called. Weak.

- Brady Quinn leads the league in commercial appearances for a clipboard holder. His subway spots are okay although it understates his availability on Sundays but the EAS spot is just weird. There is something about that commercial that doesn't work and it could just be Mr. Quinn himself. Anyway, am I the only one that finds it a little uncomfortable watching an athlete endorse supplements especially in this post Mitchell report world. The body transformation Quinn underwent from his freshmen year backing up Arnaz Battle to his Junior and Senior years at Notre Dame is nothing short of Bonds-ian. Now I'm done ... with Brady Quinn.

- Speaking of Subway, this one was pretty fresh. Loved it!

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- Those Budweiser NFL coach press conference commercials are really timeless classics but I'm afraid they might be getting over exposed ... much like Miley Cyrus (Yes we don't link to pictures of 15 years olds ... Mr. Hanson).

- The latest Rambo movie is coming soon, I think the love interest is Blanch from the Golden Girls . Barbara Bush turned down the role I hear (... neither do we link to images of shriveled up old bags)

- The Mac - PC commercial has also been over exposed but they've managed to stay fresh and relevant with new permutations. The latest one touting Mac's automatic back up feature is pretty compelling for anyone who's ever lost data on a PC.

- Burger King induced inevitable heart attacks for its regulars by pulling a prank where unsuspecting customers are told that The Whopper(R) will no longer be available. Armageddon ensues. Apparently these people have a diet consisting solely of flame broiled goodness and the prospect of living without it was nothing short of destiny altering. But really how don't you recognize the store manager? He's only in every Capital One commercial. *Obi 6'4 230 The Voice in The Wilderness does not support fast food consumption with the exception of the occasional McDonald's Strawberry Shake or Wendy's Vanilla Frosty*

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- I forgive everything for smart and funny, the public forgives stereotypes if the group being stereotyped is considered lucky enough to be from the same country as this babe. This explains why no one complains about AT&T and their Sven. From a guy with an accent, I like how the Sven says "scheDDule"

- Those NFL Network commercials with Joe Montana are pretty good, almost every one of them. Montana is a pretty good actor too ... who knew? I still hate the NFL Network for their Thursday and Saturday night game shenanigans.

- Both ESPN and CBS claim to have the Masters this year so I am guessing this time King Solomon really did split the baby. Anyway, can we split Kelly Tilghman between both networks without harming any MILFs in the process? She's really gaining folk hero status on this blog. I'm over the cap when it comes to Kelly Tilghman mentions. Doh!

- I really don't know if The Terminator translates into a TV series or not however viewer discretion is advised so it must be great. I really don't watch anything unless discretion is advised. That is code for "Sorry, you can't afford HBO or Cinemax but we'll try our best for you anyway". I appreciate that.

- You've seen Toyota advocate customizing the Scion brand vehicles but this is the first time a car marker has come out and openly endorsed 'supping up their luxury product. Can you imagine BMW or Mercedes selling a canvas for "Pimp My Ride" like Chrysler is doing with the 300? More importantly, Latrell Sprewell (who owns Sprewell Racing) must be excited about feeding his kids for the second time this month.

- Verizon is really offering a free 19 inch Sharp LCD HDTV (or a $200 best buy gift card if that’s more your thing) when you sign up for their Phone, Internet and Cable TV services aka The Triple Play. Really? But I bet you'd have to sign a contract twice as long as Alex Ovechkin's. Anyway sounds like a pretty persuasive deal.

- Speaking of great deals ... At TGI Friday's you can get a three course meal for $12.99 any day of the week. The problem with the commercial is that they forgot to mention the catch. You'd have to dine with Joe Buck and Ryan Seacrest.

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Other non-football related notes

- You know when they're coming back from commercial during a game ... Yes? OK they usually have a shot of cheerleaders in the background as they run the logos of the sponsors in front of them. This was repeated many times during the Colts and Bolts game. There's a large GEICO logo blocking my view of the squad! Don't panic just switch to GEICO if that doesn't work, try a cold shower.

- The Colts fans hilariously booed the 14 year old girl from New England during the NFL punt pass and kick annoucement thingy. Stay classy Colts fans.

- And by the way what does "to a man" mean. Joe Buck uses the phrase, Aikman learnt from Buck so he's also a user, and now Brian Gumble has picked it up too. Pam Oliver is next. Isn't that phrase sexist? No? Martha Burke your thoughts? Please leave a comment if you know where that saying came from. You can leave a comment even if you're not a man. Its 2008 now you know, by next year the Presidency wouldn't even belong "to a man".

Until next time my audience of many ... don't turn the dial. Keep it locked right here with "Au Contraire, Mon Fraire!"Be back after a quick timeout.