Commercial Appeal

There were 4 NFL playoff games this weekend, I watched all 4, that means I also endured a deluge of 30 second spots engineered by corporations looking to get in my pants ... that’s where I keep my wallet. About 25% of the NFL broadcast was commercial time.

Fortunately I am one of those who love watching commercials. They tell you so much about current society, and how we can be persuaded. It tells you how smart or desperate or rich or poor you look to folks with stuff to sell. But most importantly, I like commercials because it shows the way to America's pockets, a location I intend to do a lot of business in. But before we discuss the commercial activity, my ode to the 2007 Dallas Cowboys National League Football team.

The Tuna walked because Romo couldn't hold
Enter Philips who isn't quite as bold
... but just as old
After 13-3 I thought we had the mold
Darn! again I was left out in the cold

As Cowboy nation mourn and contemplate
What have we done to deserve, again, such a fate
In the background the haters pontificate
Romo on a Cabo date
Coordinators with interview dates

The agony of defeat flowed from Corpus Christi to Waco
Then from the eyes to the quivering lips of T.O
He pleads not to blame it on Mexico
Look on the bright side we did shutdown Plaxico

Now here's the reason for the witty title. The Commercials ...

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- When you turn your car on, does it return the favor? Mine doesn't sometimes it doesn't even turn itself on. Cadillac has been hitting the campaign trail pretty hard during the NFL playoffs hoping to turn women on to their luxury CTS sedan while plainly turning men on with a very still-getting-it-done-into-her-40s Kate Walsh in red a CTS. I'm seriously over hauling both of my MILF polls after discovering a sleeper like Kelly Tilghman last week and then Kate Walsh shows up with such a stellar RPI. This spot should move product. It presents the CTS as a capable luxury sedan with all the nice features but as Ms. Walsh suggests its really all about sex appeal or *Cue French accent please* ... uhh ... how do you say? .... a certain je ne sais quoi.

- The Southwest PED commercials are absolutely brilliant. Here's how one goes, Nick is shown conducting a press conference at this desk.

Reporter: Nick, that was the tenth straight killer presentation and an amazing string of new business wins. How do you explain this sudden increase in productivity?
Nick: Uh, I've just been working really hard.
Reporter: People are saying this surge in productivity just isn't natural.
Nick: Hey, you know, a guy has a great year, breaks a few sales records, you guys just assume the worst.
Reporter: You have been uncannily productive, Nick.
Reporter: Nick, some are speculating that you're using productivity enhancers.
Nick: That's it, I'm done.

Ok not much to do with Southwest or flying but I thought the spot was very well done with just the right amount of sports clichés, very little, although the entire concept is a sports cliché (sadly). Also excellent timing being first to the performance enhancer pun. We could say the folks at Pfizer (Viagra) and Eli Lily (Cialis) were too stiff to steal the pun first but we wouldn't because this blog is huge with the kids.

- Sony Bravia wants us to watch football the same way camera men do. Hmm... the same camera men that have their eyes 2 inches from a tiny viewer. No thank you! Sony Bravia is also responsible for one of the best ads you don't know about.

- The nerds loved this cross promotion between Toyota and War of the Warcraft. I'm not one but I did love the ad. Brilliant idea to package two non competing products symboitically into one commercial. "Did you see me lay down the law? I am the law givaaa!"

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- Continuing with Toyota ... there is a Tacoma commercial where a truck drives off an asteriod into space. The commercial doesn't come with the usual "Closed Course. Professional driver" disclaimer. Great! I found a loop hole now I just need to figure out how to launch a Tacoma into outer space. I wonder if the US civil suit system extend around the universe much like an NLF goal line.

- The new Acadia pushed during the games look just like every other truck with "GMC" on the grill. I guess I am saying all the GMCs look alike. My best friends are GMC trucks so back off.

- I thought Eli and Peyton were good in the "This is SportsCenter" commercial but the Oreo commercials weren't really that funny. I saw two versions: First, Eli and Peyton appear in a news conference to announce their entrance into a new sport and you are urged to go dsrl.com to find out what sport. If the suspense was killing me then I must have opted for death. Just wasn't that compelling. Well they figured this out at Oreo HQ and hours later they revealed what sport it was. I still can't tell you what the new sport is called. Weak.

- Brady Quinn leads the league in commercial appearances for a clipboard holder. His subway spots are okay although it understates his availability on Sundays but the EAS spot is just weird. There is something about that commercial that doesn't work and it could just be Mr. Quinn himself. Anyway, am I the only one that finds it a little uncomfortable watching an athlete endorse supplements especially in this post Mitchell report world. The body transformation Quinn underwent from his freshmen year backing up Arnaz Battle to his Junior and Senior years at Notre Dame is nothing short of Bonds-ian. Now I'm done ... with Brady Quinn.

- Speaking of Subway, this one was pretty fresh. Loved it!

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- Those Budweiser NFL coach press conference commercials are really timeless classics but I'm afraid they might be getting over exposed ... much like Miley Cyrus (Yes we don't link to pictures of 15 years olds ... Mr. Hanson).

- The latest Rambo movie is coming soon, I think the love interest is Blanch from the Golden Girls . Barbara Bush turned down the role I hear (... neither do we link to images of shriveled up old bags)

- The Mac - PC commercial has also been over exposed but they've managed to stay fresh and relevant with new permutations. The latest one touting Mac's automatic back up feature is pretty compelling for anyone who's ever lost data on a PC.

- Burger King induced inevitable heart attacks for its regulars by pulling a prank where unsuspecting customers are told that The Whopper(R) will no longer be available. Armageddon ensues. Apparently these people have a diet consisting solely of flame broiled goodness and the prospect of living without it was nothing short of destiny altering. But really how don't you recognize the store manager? He's only in every Capital One commercial. *Obi 6'4 230 The Voice in The Wilderness does not support fast food consumption with the exception of the occasional McDonald's Strawberry Shake or Wendy's Vanilla Frosty*

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- I forgive everything for smart and funny, the public forgives stereotypes if the group being stereotyped is considered lucky enough to be from the same country as this babe. This explains why no one complains about AT&T and their Sven. From a guy with an accent, I like how the Sven says "scheDDule"

- Those NFL Network commercials with Joe Montana are pretty good, almost every one of them. Montana is a pretty good actor too ... who knew? I still hate the NFL Network for their Thursday and Saturday night game shenanigans.

- Both ESPN and CBS claim to have the Masters this year so I am guessing this time King Solomon really did split the baby. Anyway, can we split Kelly Tilghman between both networks without harming any MILFs in the process? She's really gaining folk hero status on this blog. I'm over the cap when it comes to Kelly Tilghman mentions. Doh!

- I really don't know if The Terminator translates into a TV series or not however viewer discretion is advised so it must be great. I really don't watch anything unless discretion is advised. That is code for "Sorry, you can't afford HBO or Cinemax but we'll try our best for you anyway". I appreciate that.

- You've seen Toyota advocate customizing the Scion brand vehicles but this is the first time a car marker has come out and openly endorsed 'supping up their luxury product. Can you imagine BMW or Mercedes selling a canvas for "Pimp My Ride" like Chrysler is doing with the 300? More importantly, Latrell Sprewell (who owns Sprewell Racing) must be excited about feeding his kids for the second time this month.

- Verizon is really offering a free 19 inch Sharp LCD HDTV (or a $200 best buy gift card if that’s more your thing) when you sign up for their Phone, Internet and Cable TV services aka The Triple Play. Really? But I bet you'd have to sign a contract twice as long as Alex Ovechkin's. Anyway sounds like a pretty persuasive deal.

- Speaking of great deals ... At TGI Friday's you can get a three course meal for $12.99 any day of the week. The problem with the commercial is that they forgot to mention the catch. You'd have to dine with Joe Buck and Ryan Seacrest.

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Other non-football related notes

- You know when they're coming back from commercial during a game ... Yes? OK they usually have a shot of cheerleaders in the background as they run the logos of the sponsors in front of them. This was repeated many times during the Colts and Bolts game. There's a large GEICO logo blocking my view of the squad! Don't panic just switch to GEICO if that doesn't work, try a cold shower.

- The Colts fans hilariously booed the 14 year old girl from New England during the NFL punt pass and kick annoucement thingy. Stay classy Colts fans.

- And by the way what does "to a man" mean. Joe Buck uses the phrase, Aikman learnt from Buck so he's also a user, and now Brian Gumble has picked it up too. Pam Oliver is next. Isn't that phrase sexist? No? Martha Burke your thoughts? Please leave a comment if you know where that saying came from. You can leave a comment even if you're not a man. Its 2008 now you know, by next year the Presidency wouldn't even belong "to a man".

Until next time my audience of many ... don't turn the dial. Keep it locked right here with "Au Contraire, Mon Fraire!"Be back after a quick timeout.

Boston Red Sucks

First post of the new year. Yay? Everyone has already wished you Happy New Year by now so I'm not going to pile on. Before I get on with the business of the day, a few loose shingles.

Not your father's resolutions
Actually there's only one... I will transform from Obi 6'4 230 The Voice in the Wilderness to Obi 6'4 220 The People's Champ. Last time someone yelled from the wilderness he got to baptize Jesus Christ but he was also beheaded soon after. Here is the execution plan
- Eat 4 small healthy portions daily as opposed to 1 big portion prior to lifting and a small one afterwards.
- Incorporate cross training into the cardio and weights routine
- To become the people's champ basically less writing and more doing. For example not just rip engagement rings here but stalk a jewelry store and spread the gospel to unsuspecting spineless drones.

Wide left
Its the end of the NFL regular season, soon the competition committee will be getting together to protect the fans from an overdose of fun loving receivers with more TD celebration rules. I heard they were testing out a similar rule to the illegal motion rule but in this case only one player can be in motion after a TD. I believe Moroney signed up for the beta version after the Moss TD. I also hear that if time permits they will look into the late timeout kicker freezing move pioneered by Mike Shanahan. Seriously, why does everyone assume that its to the disadvantage of the kicker. If Janikowski missed the FG that was nullified due to a timeout and made the second we would never have heard of this issue at all. Its a 50-50 proposition no one knows what will happen to the kick at the moment time is called.

Cashing in
My dear readers we've been together for about a month now so I feel like this is a good time to disclose my interest in ... yeah ... Jessica Alba. She is currently #1 on my polls and in deference to Jessica the next on the list is number #6 but it looks like when the new polls come out next Monday we might have movement. See it appears there's been a violation. Cash Warren, the bastard (you say boyfriend I say bastard and we call it even, ok?) thought he'd dig a hole on sacred grounds and plant his seed. Call the neighbors and hide the women and children, Jessica Alba is with child people! Couldn't you guys wait for Rosie O'Donnell to deliver and then use her as a surrogate? **Pressing earpiece to ear** Sorry I am being told Rosie is actually not pregnant. That was awkward. This is like buying a brand new Mercedes SL 500 and taking it offroading the same day. What's this guy thinking? What the heck, its only the hottest woman in the universe, in 9 months she'll look like Vince Wilfork. Cash Warren should at least get probation and community service for this. May be for community service he'll be assigned to present to a group of less fortunate men on what it was like.



Alright ... here we go

I spent 6 days of my holiday vacation in the greater Boston region and I'm guessing I will not be asked back after I'm done ripping the city and everyone in it. I guess this blog used to be huge in Boston.

First lets start with the natives. I have nothing against liberals, or geeks or yuppies but the problem is Boston is 90% comprised of them and 10% Patriots and Redsox fans. When it comes to your prototypical liberal yuppy activity, Boston takes the locally sourced, organic, vegan cake. There is not a more homogeneous city in the nation.

To wind down Bostonians hang out at dainty coffee shops drinking chai tea and listening to a foreign language CD. Now if they wanted to really party, may be a game of chess and a glass of red wine. There is pretty much one McDonalds in the greater Boston region but you'd have to fight the animal and labor rights activists to get in and if you did get in, well you better know how to use chop sticks to eat fries.

Unfortunately that scant McDonalds is one of the few culinary establishment that serves anything remotely American. The city is overrun by Indian, Middle Eastern, Korean, Japanese, Malaysian, Ethiopian, Greek, East European, and Brazilian, restaurants most of them have menus so confusing that I ended up ordering Julius Cesar's head on a platter at a Greek restaurant ... all I wanted was a cesar salad. I challenge you to locate a normal full portioned good ol' American restaurant in Boston within 48 hours of your arrival into the city. The yuppies don't eat American anymore. You will get hit with a NY times weekend edition if you protest the extinction of IHOP at the endangered species fundraiser.

I cannot totally vouch for the accuracy of this statistic but take my word for it that there is a 100 - 1 ratio of Museums to fitness centers in Boston. Visiting museums appears to be such a popular past time in the city that the line for folks who have museum memberships was longer than the line for the low-brow idiots that don't at the entrance to the Museum of Science the day after Christmas. Nature walks apparently is the official state exercise.

The natives are annoying enough in Boston but have you check out the town itself? Its dirtier than your average large city and parking is not just scarce but impossibly complicated for the non-Harvard educated. Here's Wikipedia on Boston's roads:

Downtown Boston's streets are not organized on a grid, but grew in a meandering organic pattern beginning early in the seventeenth century. They were created as needed, and as wharves and landfill expanded the area of the small Boston peninsula. Along with several rotaries, roads change names and lose and add lanes seemingly at random...

Yup even the roads are organic.

Granted I did not get to see the entire city because it was cold but I will stand by my assessment of the people of Boston. Obviously there a lot more to a historic city like Boston beyond foreign restaurants and parking but I'd let other more sophisticated bloggers address those cultural and historic sites.


So until next time my friends please observe a moment of silence for the dearly departed hot Jessica Alba.