Boston Red Sucks

First post of the new year. Yay? Everyone has already wished you Happy New Year by now so I'm not going to pile on. Before I get on with the business of the day, a few loose shingles.

Not your father's resolutions
Actually there's only one... I will transform from Obi 6'4 230 The Voice in the Wilderness to Obi 6'4 220 The People's Champ. Last time someone yelled from the wilderness he got to baptize Jesus Christ but he was also beheaded soon after. Here is the execution plan
- Eat 4 small healthy portions daily as opposed to 1 big portion prior to lifting and a small one afterwards.
- Incorporate cross training into the cardio and weights routine
- To become the people's champ basically less writing and more doing. For example not just rip engagement rings here but stalk a jewelry store and spread the gospel to unsuspecting spineless drones.

Wide left
Its the end of the NFL regular season, soon the competition committee will be getting together to protect the fans from an overdose of fun loving receivers with more TD celebration rules. I heard they were testing out a similar rule to the illegal motion rule but in this case only one player can be in motion after a TD. I believe Moroney signed up for the beta version after the Moss TD. I also hear that if time permits they will look into the late timeout kicker freezing move pioneered by Mike Shanahan. Seriously, why does everyone assume that its to the disadvantage of the kicker. If Janikowski missed the FG that was nullified due to a timeout and made the second we would never have heard of this issue at all. Its a 50-50 proposition no one knows what will happen to the kick at the moment time is called.

Cashing in
My dear readers we've been together for about a month now so I feel like this is a good time to disclose my interest in ... yeah ... Jessica Alba. She is currently #1 on my polls and in deference to Jessica the next on the list is number #6 but it looks like when the new polls come out next Monday we might have movement. See it appears there's been a violation. Cash Warren, the bastard (you say boyfriend I say bastard and we call it even, ok?) thought he'd dig a hole on sacred grounds and plant his seed. Call the neighbors and hide the women and children, Jessica Alba is with child people! Couldn't you guys wait for Rosie O'Donnell to deliver and then use her as a surrogate? **Pressing earpiece to ear** Sorry I am being told Rosie is actually not pregnant. That was awkward. This is like buying a brand new Mercedes SL 500 and taking it offroading the same day. What's this guy thinking? What the heck, its only the hottest woman in the universe, in 9 months she'll look like Vince Wilfork. Cash Warren should at least get probation and community service for this. May be for community service he'll be assigned to present to a group of less fortunate men on what it was like.



Alright ... here we go

I spent 6 days of my holiday vacation in the greater Boston region and I'm guessing I will not be asked back after I'm done ripping the city and everyone in it. I guess this blog used to be huge in Boston.

First lets start with the natives. I have nothing against liberals, or geeks or yuppies but the problem is Boston is 90% comprised of them and 10% Patriots and Redsox fans. When it comes to your prototypical liberal yuppy activity, Boston takes the locally sourced, organic, vegan cake. There is not a more homogeneous city in the nation.

To wind down Bostonians hang out at dainty coffee shops drinking chai tea and listening to a foreign language CD. Now if they wanted to really party, may be a game of chess and a glass of red wine. There is pretty much one McDonalds in the greater Boston region but you'd have to fight the animal and labor rights activists to get in and if you did get in, well you better know how to use chop sticks to eat fries.

Unfortunately that scant McDonalds is one of the few culinary establishment that serves anything remotely American. The city is overrun by Indian, Middle Eastern, Korean, Japanese, Malaysian, Ethiopian, Greek, East European, and Brazilian, restaurants most of them have menus so confusing that I ended up ordering Julius Cesar's head on a platter at a Greek restaurant ... all I wanted was a cesar salad. I challenge you to locate a normal full portioned good ol' American restaurant in Boston within 48 hours of your arrival into the city. The yuppies don't eat American anymore. You will get hit with a NY times weekend edition if you protest the extinction of IHOP at the endangered species fundraiser.

I cannot totally vouch for the accuracy of this statistic but take my word for it that there is a 100 - 1 ratio of Museums to fitness centers in Boston. Visiting museums appears to be such a popular past time in the city that the line for folks who have museum memberships was longer than the line for the low-brow idiots that don't at the entrance to the Museum of Science the day after Christmas. Nature walks apparently is the official state exercise.

The natives are annoying enough in Boston but have you check out the town itself? Its dirtier than your average large city and parking is not just scarce but impossibly complicated for the non-Harvard educated. Here's Wikipedia on Boston's roads:

Downtown Boston's streets are not organized on a grid, but grew in a meandering organic pattern beginning early in the seventeenth century. They were created as needed, and as wharves and landfill expanded the area of the small Boston peninsula. Along with several rotaries, roads change names and lose and add lanes seemingly at random...

Yup even the roads are organic.

Granted I did not get to see the entire city because it was cold but I will stand by my assessment of the people of Boston. Obviously there a lot more to a historic city like Boston beyond foreign restaurants and parking but I'd let other more sophisticated bloggers address those cultural and historic sites.


So until next time my friends please observe a moment of silence for the dearly departed hot Jessica Alba.