Boston Red Sucks

First post of the new year. Yay? Everyone has already wished you Happy New Year by now so I'm not going to pile on. Before I get on with the business of the day, a few loose shingles.

Not your father's resolutions
Actually there's only one... I will transform from Obi 6'4 230 The Voice in the Wilderness to Obi 6'4 220 The People's Champ. Last time someone yelled from the wilderness he got to baptize Jesus Christ but he was also beheaded soon after. Here is the execution plan
- Eat 4 small healthy portions daily as opposed to 1 big portion prior to lifting and a small one afterwards.
- Incorporate cross training into the cardio and weights routine
- To become the people's champ basically less writing and more doing. For example not just rip engagement rings here but stalk a jewelry store and spread the gospel to unsuspecting spineless drones.

Wide left
Its the end of the NFL regular season, soon the competition committee will be getting together to protect the fans from an overdose of fun loving receivers with more TD celebration rules. I heard they were testing out a similar rule to the illegal motion rule but in this case only one player can be in motion after a TD. I believe Moroney signed up for the beta version after the Moss TD. I also hear that if time permits they will look into the late timeout kicker freezing move pioneered by Mike Shanahan. Seriously, why does everyone assume that its to the disadvantage of the kicker. If Janikowski missed the FG that was nullified due to a timeout and made the second we would never have heard of this issue at all. Its a 50-50 proposition no one knows what will happen to the kick at the moment time is called.

Cashing in
My dear readers we've been together for about a month now so I feel like this is a good time to disclose my interest in ... yeah ... Jessica Alba. She is currently #1 on my polls and in deference to Jessica the next on the list is number #6 but it looks like when the new polls come out next Monday we might have movement. See it appears there's been a violation. Cash Warren, the bastard (you say boyfriend I say bastard and we call it even, ok?) thought he'd dig a hole on sacred grounds and plant his seed. Call the neighbors and hide the women and children, Jessica Alba is with child people! Couldn't you guys wait for Rosie O'Donnell to deliver and then use her as a surrogate? **Pressing earpiece to ear** Sorry I am being told Rosie is actually not pregnant. That was awkward. This is like buying a brand new Mercedes SL 500 and taking it offroading the same day. What's this guy thinking? What the heck, its only the hottest woman in the universe, in 9 months she'll look like Vince Wilfork. Cash Warren should at least get probation and community service for this. May be for community service he'll be assigned to present to a group of less fortunate men on what it was like.



Alright ... here we go

I spent 6 days of my holiday vacation in the greater Boston region and I'm guessing I will not be asked back after I'm done ripping the city and everyone in it. I guess this blog used to be huge in Boston.

First lets start with the natives. I have nothing against liberals, or geeks or yuppies but the problem is Boston is 90% comprised of them and 10% Patriots and Redsox fans. When it comes to your prototypical liberal yuppy activity, Boston takes the locally sourced, organic, vegan cake. There is not a more homogeneous city in the nation.

To wind down Bostonians hang out at dainty coffee shops drinking chai tea and listening to a foreign language CD. Now if they wanted to really party, may be a game of chess and a glass of red wine. There is pretty much one McDonalds in the greater Boston region but you'd have to fight the animal and labor rights activists to get in and if you did get in, well you better know how to use chop sticks to eat fries.

Unfortunately that scant McDonalds is one of the few culinary establishment that serves anything remotely American. The city is overrun by Indian, Middle Eastern, Korean, Japanese, Malaysian, Ethiopian, Greek, East European, and Brazilian, restaurants most of them have menus so confusing that I ended up ordering Julius Cesar's head on a platter at a Greek restaurant ... all I wanted was a cesar salad. I challenge you to locate a normal full portioned good ol' American restaurant in Boston within 48 hours of your arrival into the city. The yuppies don't eat American anymore. You will get hit with a NY times weekend edition if you protest the extinction of IHOP at the endangered species fundraiser.

I cannot totally vouch for the accuracy of this statistic but take my word for it that there is a 100 - 1 ratio of Museums to fitness centers in Boston. Visiting museums appears to be such a popular past time in the city that the line for folks who have museum memberships was longer than the line for the low-brow idiots that don't at the entrance to the Museum of Science the day after Christmas. Nature walks apparently is the official state exercise.

The natives are annoying enough in Boston but have you check out the town itself? Its dirtier than your average large city and parking is not just scarce but impossibly complicated for the non-Harvard educated. Here's Wikipedia on Boston's roads:

Downtown Boston's streets are not organized on a grid, but grew in a meandering organic pattern beginning early in the seventeenth century. They were created as needed, and as wharves and landfill expanded the area of the small Boston peninsula. Along with several rotaries, roads change names and lose and add lanes seemingly at random...

Yup even the roads are organic.

Granted I did not get to see the entire city because it was cold but I will stand by my assessment of the people of Boston. Obviously there a lot more to a historic city like Boston beyond foreign restaurants and parking but I'd let other more sophisticated bloggers address those cultural and historic sites.


So until next time my friends please observe a moment of silence for the dearly departed hot Jessica Alba.

Terms and Conditions of Service

I understand my smile and easy-go-lucky, live-and-let-live libertarian personality can trick women into thinking I will be a blast to be with hence I have drawn up a terms of service document which must be ratified and signed by all prospects. The document expresses the darker side of this tall, dark and handsome pain in the ass aka yours truly.

Consider yourself warned!

The Cardinal Rule

I do not negotiate with terrorists.
Any use of force or threats explicit or implicit, passive or aggressive applied towards coercing me into doing anything that I am not under contract to do will most likely result in a negative response. Only parents, cops and bosses are allowed to force or threaten me into things that I don't want to do. Everyone else must follow the polite process of gaining favor by convincing or negotiating with me. Any form of threatening retaliation after a negative response from me will be considered a terrorist act. Likewise, I will approach the negotiating table very much like Gandhi.

The 20 Commandments .... in order of relative importance

Freedom fighter
The most common cause of death for folk heroes accross many cultures is the pursuit of freedom and self determination. I value my freedom very much. Freedom to pursue my hobbies, freedom to selectively grow up, freedom to pursue happiness, and freedom to do nothing. If my freedom is to compromised it must be my choice to do so. You are not the boss of me or a ruthless dictator so you should not threaten my freedoms because I don't plan to threaten yours. We are all entilted to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

World Peace? I am in favor
"Conflict" is defined as emotionally charged angry exchanges where one or both parties have an interest in negatively impacting the other. I do not like conflicts/fights. If you're looking to fight about everything, I will be at a peace rally. If you do manage to start something before I leave for the rally do not expect me to return to normalcy for at least 36 - 48 hours. Every fight permanently kills a little piece of the golden goose. Please refrain from endangering our golden goose without cause.

Not on the job market
You don't owe me anything and I do not owe you anything. I am not your mother or father. Everything I do for you and to you is because I want to not because I have to. If there comes a time when I have to do things then you become a job, I am already gainfully employed thank you!

Come to me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest ... or not
If you are needy, dependent and require to be assured that you look great or you're #1 in the polls then I suggest you find a welfare program that can help you. I rip your kind on my blog.

No child's play
I don't want kids now or ever, you can't convince me otherwise even if you are trying to do so without violating the cardinal rule. I am not interested in messing with my freedoms or ruining your physique. Additionally, there is a very good chance I will leave an infant in the dryer by mistake. I believe the human race will do just fine without my genes in the pool.

About that one addiction
She who comes between me and the weightroom will be dropped like dead weight. May be not quite but between me and my dumbells is no safe place to lets say... wait for the bus.

I forget but I don't forgive
.. except if consider it smart and funny. I do not issue a pass for anything said in the heat of the moment because that is when your true feelings are revealed but I might forget as time passes. I would expect to be held accountable for everything I say even during heat ... wait that didn't come out right.

The business of truthiness
No I am not the most virtuous person in the world, I am just too lazy to make stuff up. If you are not ready to hear the truth please do not ask the question. I will answer most questions as truthfully as I can.

Scenario 1

Question: Hypothetically would you rather spend time with me or watch NCAA March Madness?

Answer: I will rather watch NCAA March Madness. You I can TIVO, March Madness I cannot TIVO, a true fan would never do that... but you're more than welcome to tag along as Kentucky goes down in the 2nd round to another school named after a Senator.

Scenario 2

Question: Do those jeans make me look fat?

Answer: How is that possible? If you look fat its more than likely that its the fat making you look fat. No?

How is your driving?
I don't think highly of you because I'm with you, I'm with you because I think highly of you. So do not expect me to patronize you. I even sometimes keep my hat on during the national anthem.

Halo Rule
Its okay if I don't always want to be all up in your grille. I have weights to lifts, "Around The Horn" to watch, blogs to write and voids to aimlessly stare into.

Ring leader I am not
I am against engagement rings strictly on principles. If you really want an engagement ring from me and you're unable to talk me out of my principles then I will be happy to show you where they are sold.

On the path most (easily) travelled
Look for me on the path of least resistance especially if such a path does not impose any consequences I consider meaningful. There is no reason to make life any more difficult than it should be.

Search and you shall find
If you voluntarily go out in search of trouble I will not save you from yourself. I am very adept at recognizing the line of questioning that are loaded with booby traps looking to catch a fight. Such conversations usually lead to questions such as. "Lets say I have a little trouble staying off the buffet line and gained 120lbs would you still like me ?". Alright everyone can see the trap, most will avoid it, and say .. "Of course I will honey ... you will always be beautiful on the inside". Instead I will rely on the truthiness doctrine to show me the way. So I would most likely respond as such... "Gaining 120lbs makes you at best arbitration eligible and at worst an unrestricted free agent". If anyone tells you otherwise they have to no regard for the truthiness doctrine. It is my opinion that you should not ask such question unless you mean it as a joke. They are always trouble and nothing else.

By the way, extra points if you understood arbitration eligible is a baseball and hockey reference. 2 gold stars if you have written a thesis on the possible effects of salary arbitration on the NBA and NFL labor landscape.

Thou shall not give
The only thing I dislike more than giving gifts is receiving them especially on the scheduled days such as birthdays and Christmas for a number of reasons. I hate shopping, but I hate making people shop for gifts for me even more. There are not a lot of great gift ideas, when I think of one you will get it but there is no guarantee I will think of one at the scheduled times. When gifts are expected do not expect me to come bearing any. In such a situation, its more of a payment than a gift especially if there are negative consequences for not giving. I do not do payments unless during the free exchange of goods and services. If you would like payments then I suggest you start a business.

Umm... hello?
I will not call you just to say hello or to see how you're doing if there's no apparent reason for either of those. If you fell down a dark well then sure, I will ask how you are doing if you just got back from work and your pupils are appropriately dilated then I see no reason to ask. Also, I usually don't care how your day went as a general rule unless I have reason to believe you have something more to say beyond "fine".

V for Vandetta
Valentine's day is on my personal bubble. It was made up by a diamond cartel to sell more diamonds so I have a slight vandetta against it. However, I am not totally against doing something special on that day. Some years I might do something special, some years I might stay on the sidelines and some years I will completely forget.

A little chilly out today wouldn't you say?
I will not engage in smalltalk for the sake of smalltalk with you as if we just met at the doctor's office. That is stupid ... unless I really wanted to know your opinion on the partly sunny fall afternoon we are both experiencing.

Thoughts on....
I am opinionated, you will need to pack some opinons or else I might be bored by you.

Yes where was I again?
I will forget your birthday or other dates you may consider important. That is guaranteed. I will also forget my own birthday, thats normal. I am a clumsy person, for this I am prosecuted during my everyday life. I think I have a constitutional right to not be prosecuted for the same crime twice.

Shake it!
I love dancing. In the event that you not good at dancing then other qualifying skillz must be present on your resume. For example, the ability to analyze the relationship between the Federal Reserve monetary policy and libor rates while riding a unicycle would suffice.

How much did you say that was again?
I am cheap don't expect that to change when it comes to you.

I certify that I have read and understand the Terms and Conditions expressed above. I understand that violation of the cardinal rule may result in immediate censure without due process. I also waive my right to an appeal if the cardinal rule is broken.

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