Consider yourself warned!
The Cardinal Rule
I do not negotiate with terrorists.
Any use of force or threats explicit or implicit, passive or aggressive applied towards coercing me into doing anything that I am not under contract to do will most likely result in a negative response. Only parents, cops and bosses are allowed to force or threaten me into things that I don't want to do. Everyone else must follow the polite process of gaining favor by convincing or negotiating with me. Any form of threatening retaliation after a negative response from me will be considered a terrorist act. Likewise, I will approach the negotiating table very much like Gandhi.
The 20 Commandments .... in order of relative importance
Freedom fighter
The most common cause of death for folk heroes accross many cultures is the pursuit of freedom and self determination. I value my freedom very much. Freedom to pursue my hobbies, freedom to selectively grow up, freedom to pursue happiness, and freedom to do nothing. If my freedom is to compromised it must be my choice to do so. You are not the boss of me or a ruthless dictator so you should not threaten my freedoms because I don't plan to threaten yours. We are all entilted to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
World Peace? I am in favor
"Conflict" is defined as emotionally charged angry exchanges where one or both parties have an interest in negatively impacting the other. I do not like conflicts/fights. If you're looking to fight about everything, I will be at a peace rally. If you do manage to start something before I leave for the rally do not expect me to return to normalcy for at least 36 - 48 hours. Every fight permanently kills a little piece of the golden goose. Please refrain from endangering our golden goose without cause.
Not on the job market
You don't owe me anything and I do not owe you anything. I am not your mother or father. Everything I do for you and to you is because I want to not because I have to. If there comes a time when I have to do things then you become a job, I am already gainfully employed thank you!
Come to me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest ... or not
If you are needy, dependent and require to be assured that you look great or you're #1 in the polls then I suggest you find a welfare program that can help you. I rip your kind on my blog.
No child's play
I don't want kids now or ever, you can't convince me otherwise even if you are trying to do so without violating the cardinal rule. I am not interested in messing with my freedoms or ruining your physique. Additionally, there is a very good chance I will leave an infant in the dryer by mistake. I believe the human race will do just fine without my genes in the pool.
About that one addiction
She who comes between me and the weightroom will be dropped like dead weight. May be not quite but between me and my dumbells is no safe place to lets say... wait for the bus.
I forget but I don't forgive
.. except if consider it smart and funny. I do not issue a pass for anything said in the heat of the moment because that is when your true feelings are revealed but I might forget as time passes. I would expect to be held accountable for everything I say even during heat ... wait that didn't come out right.
The business of truthiness
No I am not the most virtuous person in the world, I am just too lazy to make stuff up. If you are not ready to hear the truth please do not ask the question. I will answer most questions as truthfully as I can.
Scenario 1
Scenario 2Question: Hypothetically would you rather spend time with me or watch NCAA March Madness?
Answer: I will rather watch NCAA March Madness. You I can TIVO, March Madness I cannot TIVO, a true fan would never do that... but you're more than welcome to tag along as Kentucky goes down in the 2nd round to another school named after a Senator.
Question: Do those jeans make me look fat?
Answer: How is that possible? If you look fat its more than likely that its the fat making you look fat. No?
How is your driving?
I don't think highly of you because I'm with you, I'm with you because I think highly of you. So do not expect me to patronize you. I even sometimes keep my hat on during the national anthem.
Halo Rule
Its okay if I don't always want to be all up in your grille. I have weights to lifts, "Around The Horn" to watch, blogs to write and voids to aimlessly stare into.
Ring leader I am not
I am against engagement rings strictly on principles. If you really want an engagement ring from me and you're unable to talk me out of my principles then I will be happy to show you where they are sold.
On the path most (easily) travelled
Look for me on the path of least resistance especially if such a path does not impose any consequences I consider meaningful. There is no reason to make life any more difficult than it should be.
Search and you shall find
If you voluntarily go out in search of trouble I will not save you from yourself. I am very adept at recognizing the line of questioning that are loaded with booby traps looking to catch a fight. Such conversations usually lead to questions such as. "Lets say I have a little trouble staying off the buffet line and gained 120lbs would you still like me ?". Alright everyone can see the trap, most will avoid it, and say .. "Of course I will honey ... you will always be beautiful on the inside". Instead I will rely on the truthiness doctrine to show me the way. So I would most likely respond as such... "Gaining 120lbs makes you at best arbitration eligible and at worst an unrestricted free agent". If anyone tells you otherwise they have to no regard for the truthiness doctrine. It is my opinion that you should not ask such question unless you mean it as a joke. They are always trouble and nothing else.
By the way, extra points if you understood arbitration eligible is a baseball and hockey reference. 2 gold stars if you have written a thesis on the possible effects of salary arbitration on the NBA and NFL labor landscape.
Thou shall not give
The only thing I dislike more than giving gifts is receiving them especially on the scheduled days such as birthdays and Christmas for a number of reasons. I hate shopping, but I hate making people shop for gifts for me even more. There are not a lot of great gift ideas, when I think of one you will get it but there is no guarantee I will think of one at the scheduled times. When gifts are expected do not expect me to come bearing any. In such a situation, its more of a payment than a gift especially if there are negative consequences for not giving. I do not do payments unless during the free exchange of goods and services. If you would like payments then I suggest you start a business.
Umm... hello?
I will not call you just to say hello or to see how you're doing if there's no apparent reason for either of those. If you fell down a dark well then sure, I will ask how you are doing if you just got back from work and your pupils are appropriately dilated then I see no reason to ask. Also, I usually don't care how your day went as a general rule unless I have reason to believe you have something more to say beyond "fine".
V for Vandetta
Valentine's day is on my personal bubble. It was made up by a diamond cartel to sell more diamonds so I have a slight vandetta against it. However, I am not totally against doing something special on that day. Some years I might do something special, some years I might stay on the sidelines and some years I will completely forget.
A little chilly out today wouldn't you say?
I will not engage in smalltalk for the sake of smalltalk with you as if we just met at the doctor's office. That is stupid ... unless I really wanted to know your opinion on the partly sunny fall afternoon we are both experiencing.
Thoughts on....
I am opinionated, you will need to pack some opinons or else I might be bored by you.
Yes where was I again?
I will forget your birthday or other dates you may consider important. That is guaranteed. I will also forget my own birthday, thats normal. I am a clumsy person, for this I am prosecuted during my everyday life. I think I have a constitutional right to not be prosecuted for the same crime twice.
Shake it!
I love dancing. In the event that you not good at dancing then other qualifying skillz must be present on your resume. For example, the ability to analyze the relationship between the Federal Reserve monetary policy and libor rates while riding a unicycle would suffice.
How much did you say that was again?
I am cheap don't expect that to change when it comes to you.
I certify that I have read and understand the Terms and Conditions expressed above. I understand that violation of the cardinal rule may result in immediate censure without due process. I also waive my right to an appeal if the cardinal rule is broken.
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