Sliced Spitzer

Along comes Monday March 10th 2008, your eyes open to find the guest room ceiling staring back at you, you've been exiled from the master bedroom for days but that is not really your biggest qualm. You see there's a 2PM ET presser scheduled today and you don't have a tie picked out yet ... to make things worse you're dealing with the political equivalent of finding yourself buck naked in the produce section of a Walmart and everyone staring at you.

So as the early morning sun warms the cold reality sets in... What is Elliot Spitzer thinking at this point boys and girls?

A) F**k I'm not dead or at least dreaming
B) F**k I'm f**ked!
C) F**k "The Governor" wasn't a good alias.
D) F**k I don't have enough for a comb over.

Pencils up.

The most prevalent question so far is how could a hard-nosed, ex-prosecutor and governor of the state responsible for half the wire taps in the country be this careless. This is a man that once said "Never talk when you can nod, and never nod when you can wink, and never write an e-mail because it's death. You're giving prosecutors all the evidence we need." Well, he should’ve also discouraged showing your famous face to a prostitute unless you happen to own a voodoo doll of her or its the one you're married to. How can he not know it was a matter of when not if? Well, the answer is easy (more on that later).


However, deep inside every guy, if they'd be honest with you, is more interested in things like the stats of the Kristen babe. They say she's 5'5 and 105lbs, brunette and very "American" ... at least he buys American. How is the 105lbs distributed? Does anyone have a photo ... preferably one in which she’s dressed for the beach? Would I pay $43, $4300 or $43,000,000 for 2.5 hours with lovely Kristen? What's she like? Is she funny? Which out of reach profession is she interested in? Other questions include ... Did he explore slightly cheaper alternatives like a mistress? Was he in a lucha libre mask the entire time to avoid recognition? If so does the reference to unsafe requests by "Client 9" refer to flying clotheslines?

So at up to $5000 per hour and up to $31000 volume discount daily rates, what else do you get for your money? Do they hang around afterwards and fix you a tuna melt and chicken soup? What is the difference between a 7 diamond and 3 diamond chic on the Emperor Club scale? If you're a 3 diamond girl is there any hope for a date with Crowned Prince Hamza or are you relegated to servicing clients paying with a gift card? How versatile is the diamond scale? Can it be applied to chics at the bar? How does it compare to the BCS as a measuring stick?

Those are the honest-to-god burning questions you and I have silently contemplated.

The number sounds pricey, but actually results of my informal polls show that in all honesty if you've been married long enough $4300 appears to be a fair price given the raging pent up demand. Really everything boils down to simple laws of demand and supply. As a happily married friend of mine with many decades in captivity ... i mean marriage...whispered to me as the news broke "$4,300? That’s it? I'd like to bid higher". That’s one pure honest opinion.

So what was he thinking? It has been very well documented that Elliot Spitzer wrote the book on sting operations taking down the Gambino family with the very same sword he's resting on. It is also well known that Spitzer is a Princeton graduate and Harvard Law School alumni. What I am trying to say here is, he's probably smarter than you are given the fact that you're ... well... reading this. However all those observations regarding his intelligence apply to just one of his of two decision centers ... there is another that all men share which is hardly college educated.

See any man with a true sense of his own vulnerabilities will refrain from throwing rocks at the fallen governor. History is littered with examples of intelligent pious men who have fallen victim to Achilles heel north. When the opposite sex or sex is involved all bets are off and I say that for all the men out there sitting in their glass houses and hauling stones at Spitzer. I do not believe any guy is secure enough to cast a rock at the embattled governor. Yes we are all for punishment to the fullest extent of the law where laws were broken but self-righteousness and moral high-grounding is dangerous ... leave that to women who are better equipped to remain reasonable under the influence so to speak.

When a brethren falls like this, you thank your lucky stars its not you because you're no better than he is. When the little head is busy all men are truly created equal. You cannot stare at a dead man and say "Holy cow, what was he thinking everyone knows you should get a prostate exam once a year after you turn 50. In fact, I'm just coming from a colonoscopy". No you mourn his death and thank God for a healthy prostate ... so far.

Can anyone think of a female public figure linked to a sex scandal? I can't, doesn't exist. The rib God took from Adam to create Eve also contained the emergency shut off value for our libido.

But what a team player Mrs. Spitzer was to show up at the presser standing by her husband while the world tries to figure out why Spitzer would pay thousands to be away from her. Have you noticed that beside every disgraced public figure is a decent looking middle aged woman spotting a pant suit and pearl necklace (by the way, how do you think the reason for divorce would read " blah blah blah irreconcilable differences. For instance, we have deep rooted philosophical differences on the family budget as it relates to hookers") I have been tough on women in the past so here's some dap for showing loyalty when you should be halfway through impaling your husband. Anyway she did maintain the classic "Jesus Christ! I'm only here with this mule so it doesn't look like the insiders are dumping shares already" face ... by the way, I am net short Spitzer at this time.

February 14th, The Free Man's Thanksgiving

I have recently observed an up tick in jewelry commercials as well as the Vermont teddy bear shadow blocking the collective sense of self of MANkind. This not only indicates that there are about 7 million more weeks of FEMALEkind entrapment ahead but also we must be closing in on Thanksgiving ... The Free Man Thanksgiving: A celebration of the emancipated male!

Who is an emancipated male? Well, it is any male who remains true to himself in the face of the female propaganda and coercion. It does NOT refer to the single guy or to the inability to compromise or even to a woman-hater or gay. No, it’s just a man who knows who he is and is comfortable with his view of the world as different from the female perspective.

This means that if you don't think expensive roses or engagement rings are sensible then the fact that someone else does doesn't make you change your beliefs. It doesn't mean you don't buy them if you want to (hence, compromise) but you never buy into the fact that a thorny red plant or the fossilized version of it is somehow a declaration of undying love.

Females understand this concept. They may aid and abate your illogical infatuation with say... sports ... but they will not however, change their core belief that you have to be an idiot to allow the success/failure of the Redsox dictate your life. But most importantly they only aid and abate your infatuation if and only if they chose to AND on their own time and schedule... after all, its YOUR infatuation, chief!

The fact is that most men who are able to remain true to who they are in the face of female propaganda and coercion are single because there are too many sellouts amongst us that the predators will choose to feed on the abundance of easy prey. These under-evolved idiots have traded their principles for pleasure, they have been water boarded into submission because they are weak at heart and their brains have re-located to the crotch area. Today the few, the proud, (the marines?) can celebrate.

So rejoice free men! Its February 14th, a day we can't help but be thankful. Wake up in the morning and let the air of freedom fill your lungs because you know what?

• You don't owe anyone a call, and/or corny flowers, and/or dopey chocolate and/or a really elaborate candle lit dinner.
• You don't have to think of ways to outdo last year's performance
• ... or just simply come up with something different to write on this year's card
• There are no "why do you love me?" questions to answer
• There are no "here's why I love you" poems to write
• And no one is saying to you ... "read it again but this time looking into my eyes".
• You can leave your pretence kit at home because you don't get it and this time, that’s okay too.
  

Today is also a great day to reflect back on your days as an indentured servant. It’s Feb 7th and last year's plan to write a love message on your roof top is still rigged with logistical issues. You're pacing back and forth like a criminal on death row wishing whoever invented Feb 14th would be beheaded by Emperor Claudius II of Rome (yep the saint was rightly beheaded). The last thing you need is another day dedicated to pleasing her. Isn't Monday ... and Tuesday.... and Wednesday ... and Thursday ... and Friday ... and Saturday ... and Sunday enough? You're wondering what day do I get to wreak havoc when I am not swept off my feet with the NFL package all paid for or just simply a day off from serving at her pleasure?

Wake up! and rejoice those days are over. You are not the property of anyone and for that you should be thankful.

So how do we celebrate The Free Men Thanksgiving? ... well if there were rules for celebration then that defeats the entire "free" thing. Free Men Thanksgiving is a celebration of freedom and this includes your freedom to celebrate or not celebrate your freedom anyway you want. So without being too instructive, how about hanging with the boys late into the night on a whim, call your ex-master and break the news to her that she really whines too much, call your other ex-master and tell her her supposedly sexy boots actually looks like a weapon from the middle ages. When you're done, call your mom and tell her she's the best just to even things out.

I will insist that you observe a moment of silence for our brethrens in captivity that know not the joys of free will. As Obi 6'4 230lbs The Voice in the Wilderness, I speak not only for the emancipated few but also the many idiots in captivity. Although if they are lucky they are enjoying certain benefits that are not afforded the emancipated (at least not on a regular basis) but there is very little doubt as to who is really getting the shaft.

Thomas Jefferson once said "I have no fear that the result of our experiment will be that men may be trusted to govern themselves without a master" ... well, that’s right ... he never said anything about a mistress, wife or girlfriend.

Until next time captives ... Be a man! Declare your independence.

Happy Free Men Thanksgiving!

Commercial Appeal

There were 4 NFL playoff games this weekend, I watched all 4, that means I also endured a deluge of 30 second spots engineered by corporations looking to get in my pants ... that’s where I keep my wallet. About 25% of the NFL broadcast was commercial time.

Fortunately I am one of those who love watching commercials. They tell you so much about current society, and how we can be persuaded. It tells you how smart or desperate or rich or poor you look to folks with stuff to sell. But most importantly, I like commercials because it shows the way to America's pockets, a location I intend to do a lot of business in. But before we discuss the commercial activity, my ode to the 2007 Dallas Cowboys National League Football team.

The Tuna walked because Romo couldn't hold
Enter Philips who isn't quite as bold
... but just as old
After 13-3 I thought we had the mold
Darn! again I was left out in the cold

As Cowboy nation mourn and contemplate
What have we done to deserve, again, such a fate
In the background the haters pontificate
Romo on a Cabo date
Coordinators with interview dates

The agony of defeat flowed from Corpus Christi to Waco
Then from the eyes to the quivering lips of T.O
He pleads not to blame it on Mexico
Look on the bright side we did shutdown Plaxico

Now here's the reason for the witty title. The Commercials ...

Jumper 02-14-08

- When you turn your car on, does it return the favor? Mine doesn't sometimes it doesn't even turn itself on. Cadillac has been hitting the campaign trail pretty hard during the NFL playoffs hoping to turn women on to their luxury CTS sedan while plainly turning men on with a very still-getting-it-done-into-her-40s Kate Walsh in red a CTS. I'm seriously over hauling both of my MILF polls after discovering a sleeper like Kelly Tilghman last week and then Kate Walsh shows up with such a stellar RPI. This spot should move product. It presents the CTS as a capable luxury sedan with all the nice features but as Ms. Walsh suggests its really all about sex appeal or *Cue French accent please* ... uhh ... how do you say? .... a certain je ne sais quoi.

- The Southwest PED commercials are absolutely brilliant. Here's how one goes, Nick is shown conducting a press conference at this desk.

Reporter: Nick, that was the tenth straight killer presentation and an amazing string of new business wins. How do you explain this sudden increase in productivity?
Nick: Uh, I've just been working really hard.
Reporter: People are saying this surge in productivity just isn't natural.
Nick: Hey, you know, a guy has a great year, breaks a few sales records, you guys just assume the worst.
Reporter: You have been uncannily productive, Nick.
Reporter: Nick, some are speculating that you're using productivity enhancers.
Nick: That's it, I'm done.

Ok not much to do with Southwest or flying but I thought the spot was very well done with just the right amount of sports clichés, very little, although the entire concept is a sports cliché (sadly). Also excellent timing being first to the performance enhancer pun. We could say the folks at Pfizer (Viagra) and Eli Lily (Cialis) were too stiff to steal the pun first but we wouldn't because this blog is huge with the kids.

- Sony Bravia wants us to watch football the same way camera men do. Hmm... the same camera men that have their eyes 2 inches from a tiny viewer. No thank you! Sony Bravia is also responsible for one of the best ads you don't know about.

- The nerds loved this cross promotion between Toyota and War of the Warcraft. I'm not one but I did love the ad. Brilliant idea to package two non competing products symboitically into one commercial. "Did you see me lay down the law? I am the law givaaa!"

Jumper 02-14-08

- Continuing with Toyota ... there is a Tacoma commercial where a truck drives off an asteriod into space. The commercial doesn't come with the usual "Closed Course. Professional driver" disclaimer. Great! I found a loop hole now I just need to figure out how to launch a Tacoma into outer space. I wonder if the US civil suit system extend around the universe much like an NLF goal line.

- The new Acadia pushed during the games look just like every other truck with "GMC" on the grill. I guess I am saying all the GMCs look alike. My best friends are GMC trucks so back off.

- I thought Eli and Peyton were good in the "This is SportsCenter" commercial but the Oreo commercials weren't really that funny. I saw two versions: First, Eli and Peyton appear in a news conference to announce their entrance into a new sport and you are urged to go dsrl.com to find out what sport. If the suspense was killing me then I must have opted for death. Just wasn't that compelling. Well they figured this out at Oreo HQ and hours later they revealed what sport it was. I still can't tell you what the new sport is called. Weak.

- Brady Quinn leads the league in commercial appearances for a clipboard holder. His subway spots are okay although it understates his availability on Sundays but the EAS spot is just weird. There is something about that commercial that doesn't work and it could just be Mr. Quinn himself. Anyway, am I the only one that finds it a little uncomfortable watching an athlete endorse supplements especially in this post Mitchell report world. The body transformation Quinn underwent from his freshmen year backing up Arnaz Battle to his Junior and Senior years at Notre Dame is nothing short of Bonds-ian. Now I'm done ... with Brady Quinn.

- Speaking of Subway, this one was pretty fresh. Loved it!

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- Those Budweiser NFL coach press conference commercials are really timeless classics but I'm afraid they might be getting over exposed ... much like Miley Cyrus (Yes we don't link to pictures of 15 years olds ... Mr. Hanson).

- The latest Rambo movie is coming soon, I think the love interest is Blanch from the Golden Girls . Barbara Bush turned down the role I hear (... neither do we link to images of shriveled up old bags)

- The Mac - PC commercial has also been over exposed but they've managed to stay fresh and relevant with new permutations. The latest one touting Mac's automatic back up feature is pretty compelling for anyone who's ever lost data on a PC.

- Burger King induced inevitable heart attacks for its regulars by pulling a prank where unsuspecting customers are told that The Whopper(R) will no longer be available. Armageddon ensues. Apparently these people have a diet consisting solely of flame broiled goodness and the prospect of living without it was nothing short of destiny altering. But really how don't you recognize the store manager? He's only in every Capital One commercial. *Obi 6'4 230 The Voice in The Wilderness does not support fast food consumption with the exception of the occasional McDonald's Strawberry Shake or Wendy's Vanilla Frosty*

Jumper 02-14-08

- I forgive everything for smart and funny, the public forgives stereotypes if the group being stereotyped is considered lucky enough to be from the same country as this babe. This explains why no one complains about AT&T and their Sven. From a guy with an accent, I like how the Sven says "scheDDule"

- Those NFL Network commercials with Joe Montana are pretty good, almost every one of them. Montana is a pretty good actor too ... who knew? I still hate the NFL Network for their Thursday and Saturday night game shenanigans.

- Both ESPN and CBS claim to have the Masters this year so I am guessing this time King Solomon really did split the baby. Anyway, can we split Kelly Tilghman between both networks without harming any MILFs in the process? She's really gaining folk hero status on this blog. I'm over the cap when it comes to Kelly Tilghman mentions. Doh!

- I really don't know if The Terminator translates into a TV series or not however viewer discretion is advised so it must be great. I really don't watch anything unless discretion is advised. That is code for "Sorry, you can't afford HBO or Cinemax but we'll try our best for you anyway". I appreciate that.

- You've seen Toyota advocate customizing the Scion brand vehicles but this is the first time a car marker has come out and openly endorsed 'supping up their luxury product. Can you imagine BMW or Mercedes selling a canvas for "Pimp My Ride" like Chrysler is doing with the 300? More importantly, Latrell Sprewell (who owns Sprewell Racing) must be excited about feeding his kids for the second time this month.

- Verizon is really offering a free 19 inch Sharp LCD HDTV (or a $200 best buy gift card if that’s more your thing) when you sign up for their Phone, Internet and Cable TV services aka The Triple Play. Really? But I bet you'd have to sign a contract twice as long as Alex Ovechkin's. Anyway sounds like a pretty persuasive deal.

- Speaking of great deals ... At TGI Friday's you can get a three course meal for $12.99 any day of the week. The problem with the commercial is that they forgot to mention the catch. You'd have to dine with Joe Buck and Ryan Seacrest.

Jumper 02-14-08

Other non-football related notes

- You know when they're coming back from commercial during a game ... Yes? OK they usually have a shot of cheerleaders in the background as they run the logos of the sponsors in front of them. This was repeated many times during the Colts and Bolts game. There's a large GEICO logo blocking my view of the squad! Don't panic just switch to GEICO if that doesn't work, try a cold shower.

- The Colts fans hilariously booed the 14 year old girl from New England during the NFL punt pass and kick annoucement thingy. Stay classy Colts fans.

- And by the way what does "to a man" mean. Joe Buck uses the phrase, Aikman learnt from Buck so he's also a user, and now Brian Gumble has picked it up too. Pam Oliver is next. Isn't that phrase sexist? No? Martha Burke your thoughts? Please leave a comment if you know where that saying came from. You can leave a comment even if you're not a man. Its 2008 now you know, by next year the Presidency wouldn't even belong "to a man".

Until next time my audience of many ... don't turn the dial. Keep it locked right here with "Au Contraire, Mon Fraire!"Be back after a quick timeout.

Very Til-tilating man

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Bulletin Board Material

This week's mcnugget of wisdom
Working out at lunch time is actually more doable than you think especially if your gym is within 10 minutes and your labor union has negotiated at least a one hour lunch break. It also helps if you have mastered the art of the 30 second shower by the sink. Obiviously, you can't make a living getting it on during the lunch time but sometimes if a quickie is all you can have its better than nothing.

In other mcnugget news, did you know that at McDonald's, four chicken mcnuggets are $1 on the dollar menu but 10-piece meal with just the nuggets is $3.39. As first reported on "Au Contraire, Mon Fraire!", there appears to be a loophole here. We're forecasting a secondary black market in chicken mcnuggets in the next quarter (pounder) or two.


Why would secretly taping a phone conversation I began by asking a father about his sick son and playing it the next day for the whole world to listen to while I gulp down bottled water with a smirk on my face make me look slimy?
See this is exactly why I hate it when people call me up and go "hi, how are you doing?, how's the family? how's Zoey?". The problem is I usually have to reply with the same phony questions when neither of us could careless. If I really cared, I'd visited or something. Sometimes I care but not nearly as often as everyone else seems to care.

No one ever calls just to see how the family is doing, if they did the conversation shouldn't carry on for 17 minutes or so and deteriorate into situations where you have to say "What do you want me to do?" 21 times and offer to go to jail about half a dozen times before deciding to sue or counter sue depending on who's lawyer has the quicker blackberry thumb.


This guy with out of town plates patrols the perimeter of my house in an old school Hum-vee wearing his Sunday-best camouflage, and concealing what could be an automatic rifle or my long lost schitzu, Zoey. Doesn't bother me one bit. Anytime now, he'll be returning Zoey.
Last Sunday ... after service I presume ... the US Navy destroyer the USS Hopper decides to make a quick run for peperoni pizza and wings through the Strait of Hormuz or as I like to call it "the-body-of-water-bordering-Iran-where-all-the-gas-in-your-lawnmower et. al.-came-from". Well the crazy Iranians didn't think that was kosher not so much because of the peperoni but because you see... they don't appreciate US destroyers in their backyards. So water was splashed around and naturally your mama jokes follow. No big deal right? Well no. The problem is that the unwelcome visitors seemed to be the ones that had their boxer briefs entangled a little more. President Bush weighed in the next day:

It is a dangerous situation. They should not have done it, pure and simple. I don't know what their thinking was, but I'm telling you what my thinking was. I think it was a provocative act.

and then he added

He he he he he

OK lets flip the script ... say the Iranians decide to sail down to the greater Cancun region in a big ol destroyer ship during spring break. No big deal right? They're totally minding their own business just patrolling international waters and observing our nation's future leaders in training. Now after a confrontation with the coast guard the peeping Iranians retreat. The next day President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran is quoted as saying

It is a dangerous situation. They should not have done it pure and simple. I don't know what their thinking was, but I'm telling you what my thinking was. Those kids were clearly hammered, a mechanical bull is no place for some umm...habba habba. If you know what I'm saying.

and of course

He he he he he

Wait... we're in the United States of America, right? ... we are encouraged to rip the President and his foreign policy, right? Land of the free and home of the Whopper, no?

So you're saying walking it off is not an option?
The Titans injury report for the wild card game against the San Diego Chargers contained an eyebrow raising status for former longhorn TE Bo Scaife.

Bo Scaife OUT (liver)

Unfortunately Bo took a big body blow in the week before against the Colts but my first thought when I saw his status was ... Bo knows beer.


Hey, would you know where I can relax on a couch with a some music in the air, may be read a magazine and powder up afterwards?

Oh yeah, have you tried the restroom?
Fellas, have you ever been to ladies room at your job? Well I haven't either but I know someone who frequents them. Oh that's fine she has a going problem. My source tells me that the ladies restrooms at my place of employment are more equal than the men's restrooms in the same building. I have gathered that inside the women's restroom the clientele enjoy amenities such as soft cushy couches, current magazines, music, a powder area and an attendant who's job is to utter "Your skin is glowing today!", "What do you mean your thighs are fat? I don't see it" and "Is that a new haircut? It looks great!" on a loop as the ladies arrive and depart. I'm working on verifying the powder area claim, that one in particular seems a little embellished.

Basically the only thing the men's room has over the women's room are urinals and signs that say "Please wash your hands". Seriously fellows, are we okay with this? I find it a little curious that such contrasting experiences are offered at restrooms in the same building owned by the same corporation but differentiated along gender lines. Obi 6'4 230lbs The voice in the Wilderness has taken on the task of creating more awareness for the disparate facilities offered at ladies and gentlemen's rooms across this country. I will be grilling steak and potatoes in front of Walmart to raise money for the cause. Hurry they're getting cold already.

I will now make a strong case for bathroom integration by 2010 since separate is inherently unequal and thus unconstitutional. In 1954 Brown v. Board of Education overturned the "separate but equal" clause established by Plessy v. Ferguson in 1886 ... umm ... too strong? am i pushing it? Ok... but really whats the big problem with integrating bathrooms? Who stands to lose anything? Please tell me. With urinals no one has to worry about seats being left up. I don't see a problem here. I really think this could work.


Until next time numskulls ... lets not pull a liver.