Terms and Conditions of Service

I understand my smile and easy-go-lucky, live-and-let-live libertarian personality can trick women into thinking I will be a blast to be with hence I have drawn up a terms of service document which must be ratified and signed by all prospects. The document expresses the darker side of this tall, dark and handsome pain in the ass aka yours truly.

Consider yourself warned!

The Cardinal Rule

I do not negotiate with terrorists.
Any use of force or threats explicit or implicit, passive or aggressive applied towards coercing me into doing anything that I am not under contract to do will most likely result in a negative response. Only parents, cops and bosses are allowed to force or threaten me into things that I don't want to do. Everyone else must follow the polite process of gaining favor by convincing or negotiating with me. Any form of threatening retaliation after a negative response from me will be considered a terrorist act. Likewise, I will approach the negotiating table very much like Gandhi.

The 20 Commandments .... in order of relative importance

Freedom fighter
The most common cause of death for folk heroes accross many cultures is the pursuit of freedom and self determination. I value my freedom very much. Freedom to pursue my hobbies, freedom to selectively grow up, freedom to pursue happiness, and freedom to do nothing. If my freedom is to compromised it must be my choice to do so. You are not the boss of me or a ruthless dictator so you should not threaten my freedoms because I don't plan to threaten yours. We are all entilted to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

World Peace? I am in favor
"Conflict" is defined as emotionally charged angry exchanges where one or both parties have an interest in negatively impacting the other. I do not like conflicts/fights. If you're looking to fight about everything, I will be at a peace rally. If you do manage to start something before I leave for the rally do not expect me to return to normalcy for at least 36 - 48 hours. Every fight permanently kills a little piece of the golden goose. Please refrain from endangering our golden goose without cause.

Not on the job market
You don't owe me anything and I do not owe you anything. I am not your mother or father. Everything I do for you and to you is because I want to not because I have to. If there comes a time when I have to do things then you become a job, I am already gainfully employed thank you!

Come to me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest ... or not
If you are needy, dependent and require to be assured that you look great or you're #1 in the polls then I suggest you find a welfare program that can help you. I rip your kind on my blog.

No child's play
I don't want kids now or ever, you can't convince me otherwise even if you are trying to do so without violating the cardinal rule. I am not interested in messing with my freedoms or ruining your physique. Additionally, there is a very good chance I will leave an infant in the dryer by mistake. I believe the human race will do just fine without my genes in the pool.

About that one addiction
She who comes between me and the weightroom will be dropped like dead weight. May be not quite but between me and my dumbells is no safe place to lets say... wait for the bus.

I forget but I don't forgive
.. except if consider it smart and funny. I do not issue a pass for anything said in the heat of the moment because that is when your true feelings are revealed but I might forget as time passes. I would expect to be held accountable for everything I say even during heat ... wait that didn't come out right.

The business of truthiness
No I am not the most virtuous person in the world, I am just too lazy to make stuff up. If you are not ready to hear the truth please do not ask the question. I will answer most questions as truthfully as I can.

Scenario 1

Question: Hypothetically would you rather spend time with me or watch NCAA March Madness?

Answer: I will rather watch NCAA March Madness. You I can TIVO, March Madness I cannot TIVO, a true fan would never do that... but you're more than welcome to tag along as Kentucky goes down in the 2nd round to another school named after a Senator.

Scenario 2

Question: Do those jeans make me look fat?

Answer: How is that possible? If you look fat its more than likely that its the fat making you look fat. No?

How is your driving?
I don't think highly of you because I'm with you, I'm with you because I think highly of you. So do not expect me to patronize you. I even sometimes keep my hat on during the national anthem.

Halo Rule
Its okay if I don't always want to be all up in your grille. I have weights to lifts, "Around The Horn" to watch, blogs to write and voids to aimlessly stare into.

Ring leader I am not
I am against engagement rings strictly on principles. If you really want an engagement ring from me and you're unable to talk me out of my principles then I will be happy to show you where they are sold.

On the path most (easily) travelled
Look for me on the path of least resistance especially if such a path does not impose any consequences I consider meaningful. There is no reason to make life any more difficult than it should be.

Search and you shall find
If you voluntarily go out in search of trouble I will not save you from yourself. I am very adept at recognizing the line of questioning that are loaded with booby traps looking to catch a fight. Such conversations usually lead to questions such as. "Lets say I have a little trouble staying off the buffet line and gained 120lbs would you still like me ?". Alright everyone can see the trap, most will avoid it, and say .. "Of course I will honey ... you will always be beautiful on the inside". Instead I will rely on the truthiness doctrine to show me the way. So I would most likely respond as such... "Gaining 120lbs makes you at best arbitration eligible and at worst an unrestricted free agent". If anyone tells you otherwise they have to no regard for the truthiness doctrine. It is my opinion that you should not ask such question unless you mean it as a joke. They are always trouble and nothing else.

By the way, extra points if you understood arbitration eligible is a baseball and hockey reference. 2 gold stars if you have written a thesis on the possible effects of salary arbitration on the NBA and NFL labor landscape.

Thou shall not give
The only thing I dislike more than giving gifts is receiving them especially on the scheduled days such as birthdays and Christmas for a number of reasons. I hate shopping, but I hate making people shop for gifts for me even more. There are not a lot of great gift ideas, when I think of one you will get it but there is no guarantee I will think of one at the scheduled times. When gifts are expected do not expect me to come bearing any. In such a situation, its more of a payment than a gift especially if there are negative consequences for not giving. I do not do payments unless during the free exchange of goods and services. If you would like payments then I suggest you start a business.

Umm... hello?
I will not call you just to say hello or to see how you're doing if there's no apparent reason for either of those. If you fell down a dark well then sure, I will ask how you are doing if you just got back from work and your pupils are appropriately dilated then I see no reason to ask. Also, I usually don't care how your day went as a general rule unless I have reason to believe you have something more to say beyond "fine".

V for Vandetta
Valentine's day is on my personal bubble. It was made up by a diamond cartel to sell more diamonds so I have a slight vandetta against it. However, I am not totally against doing something special on that day. Some years I might do something special, some years I might stay on the sidelines and some years I will completely forget.

A little chilly out today wouldn't you say?
I will not engage in smalltalk for the sake of smalltalk with you as if we just met at the doctor's office. That is stupid ... unless I really wanted to know your opinion on the partly sunny fall afternoon we are both experiencing.

Thoughts on....
I am opinionated, you will need to pack some opinons or else I might be bored by you.

Yes where was I again?
I will forget your birthday or other dates you may consider important. That is guaranteed. I will also forget my own birthday, thats normal. I am a clumsy person, for this I am prosecuted during my everyday life. I think I have a constitutional right to not be prosecuted for the same crime twice.

Shake it!
I love dancing. In the event that you not good at dancing then other qualifying skillz must be present on your resume. For example, the ability to analyze the relationship between the Federal Reserve monetary policy and libor rates while riding a unicycle would suffice.

How much did you say that was again?
I am cheap don't expect that to change when it comes to you.

I certify that I have read and understand the Terms and Conditions expressed above. I understand that violation of the cardinal rule may result in immediate censure without due process. I also waive my right to an appeal if the cardinal rule is broken.

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Signature

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Date

Dellusions of the season to you!

If you haven't hit double digits in age it is okay to believe in fairy tales including the one about the gray bearded fat man and his flying sleigh. But what about full grown adults, do they also have their own tales? Tales so powerful that an entire adult population does not dare question. I am referring to the adult fairy tales of the holiday season. According to these scriptures, the season is about shopping, more shopping, gifts and I'll even throw in giving to charity to stir the pot. Who is responsible for these tales? The benefactors of the frenzy of course, as I like the call them, the motivated few. This includes, retailers, uncle Sam, investors and of course homeless people. This group of selfish, greedy bastards have managed to tell us all a very convincing holiday tale, and just like the kids and their fat man stories, we don't just believe the tales we live by it.

We have been informed that the holiday season is the season to spend money on things we either can't afford, and/or don't really need not just for ourselves but for everyone we know to the detriment of ourselves and everyone we know. You can never underestimate the power of an intelligent, motivated few over a herd of gullible idiots. We all individually have to make a choice, am I going to be the motivated few, a gullible idiot or a entertained observer like me.

Did you know that for retailers 25% of all sales and 60% of all profits materialize during the holiday season (the 4 week period between Thanksgiving and Christmas)? Now who is ripping off who with those huge holiday "sales". This is great business for everyone on the receiving ends of the dollars. The gullible idiots just have spend the rest of the year and for some their lives paying for their actions.

I have been on a personal crusade to end those moronic holiday jewelry commercials that do nothing but insult the male and female intelligence. But really I cannot blame the jewelry stores for their holiday marketing strategy because it very effective. 30% of all jewelry sales are made during a 4 week span! This has to be the ultimate in brainwashing because these jewelry stores spend all their holiday ad dollars advertising during sporting events and cordoning off time blocks on Spike TV in an effort to get the male attention. While watching OTL today on ESPN, a 30 minute show, I counted 6 jewelry spots. Well, that's weird because the eventual wearer of the jewelry is not watching OTL on ESPN at 10AM EST. Is there any other product where so much marketing is targeted towards the demo that doesn't use the product in hopes that they purchase it for the demo that does. This would be like selling AARP magazine subscriptions at a Community College. I mean the kids all have grandparents right? There is another argument here about the brainwashing of men in general but you can see my engagement ring rant for that.

So lets talk about that holiday gifting myth. Its the holiday season, a time buy your friends and relatives things they don't really need or want just because that's what you have to do. Where did this nonsense come from? Why has holiday gift shopping talk replaced the weather as the go to smalltalk? Well some say it stems from the 3 wise men presenting gifts to baby Jesus. OK so that explains baby showers. Still doesn't explain the madness that ensues once we put down the turkey leg. It is my theory that most of the madness is not because humans are intrinsically predisposed to want to overspend on other people but because we have been brainwashed into thinking this is necessary and overall a good idea. What % of gifts you received during the crazy season would you admit that a) you will never use or b) you will never purchase at the price that the person paid for it. In economic terms, this results in something called "dead weight loss". Simply explained: Aunt Mary pays $100 for your Adidas sneakers but you're really a Nike guy so the shoes are only with $60 to you, the dead weight loss in this case will be $40.

Part of the problem is that we are not as good at shopping for other people as we think we are. It is very likely that the Clay Aiken CD you got for your cousin isn't worth more than 95 cents to her although she has a smile painted on her face as she realizes its not Hannah Montana. What if you just gave her $16, she will have a Hannah Montana CD and a real smile but the idea of the entire family gathering around the tree to exchange money orders will expose the absurdity of the whole exercise. If you insist on gifts, cash, in my opinion is more reasonable but I am told its cold and uninspired.

Alright, alright, I know... its the sentiment that counts. Gifts bring friends and families closer and that makes up for everything. Its really not about liking or not liking what you get, its the thought that counts. Oh boy have thoughts gotten expensive lately. Americans spend more than $5B attempting to guess what someone else would want every holiday season. The average adult spends more than $1000 on thoughts and the fact that most of that is wasted does not matter. The thought may count for something but the stampede at the mall during the holiday shopping season indicates there's more at work. If it was just the thought that counted then lets go back to exchanging small tokens gifts rich in sentiment and but cheap in price. Hand written letters come to mind but I'm sure there are other cheap options. You probably know of relatives, or may be you are those relatives, who are up to their eyeballs in debt but spend hundreds on Christmas thoughts for the entire family only to turn around and ask for a loan to pay rent in February. Now that's a horrible thought.

I believe we buy expensive gifts first and foremost because we have been coerced into doing so by the motivated few. But there are other factors. First, no one wants to look too cheap, that's just not cool according to the motivated few. Secondly, and more importantly, because the concept of shopping for someone else no matter how close you are to them is more or less like fishing in the dark so we buy something expensive to counteract the bad choices we're about to make. Every year books go unread, and sweaters are involved in laundry "accidents" but the madness goes on.

Now to the pot I stirred earlier. How about giving to the poor? Doesn't that create value for them? Sure it does but most of gifts exchanged are not exactly of this variety. We as a society spend much less on gifts for the have-nots than gifts for the have-much. Every holiday season there are gift drives and food drives for the less fortunate and I always ask myself this. Do poor people eat exclusively during the holiday season? Are they like grizzle bears? Do they gain body fat after Thanksgiving so that they can fast the rest of the year until we remember them again next season or if they're lucky a hurricane sweeps by?

Finally, to my central reason for writing this, I will like to propose a ban on the holiday gifting nonsense for one year ... just one year ... as a trial run to see if a plague would ensue as a result. For once lets all give the gift of love and attention. Lets listen to real needs of the people we love instead of the annual message of the motivated few. For one holiday season, lets eat, drink and enjoy each other's company without filling up the local land fill or creating more business for Guardian Storage across the street. Would it be okay if next year everyone can enjoy the gift of not having to get in debt or get trampled at the mall? Lets change it up all little just for one year.

As one who bleeds capitalism and preaches free pursuit of riches under prevailing laws of the land, I understand the positive impact of the holiday message on the economy and jobs. If we all acted with some rationality, yes there might be a short-term negative effect as the economy reallocates resources but I'm not naive enough to think I can change the nation. However if I can touch one family my job is done. Hence, in your own family group take a minute and reflect on your actions during the holidays. Do you really need to or want to buy/receive all those gifts? What exactly does the holiday spirit mean to you?

Until next time normals ... Merry Christmas to all and to all please shut up!